The Toilet Paper Thief

"Having children is like living in a frat house – nobody sleeps, everything’s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up."

—Ray Romano

If you’re parent, regardless of whether you are a mom or a dad, you undoubtedly know the feeling of being starred down innocently by a child as you try to do your business on the porcelain throne. There is definitely challenges involved in being the sole caregiver in a household while your spouse is at work and you urgently need to use the bathroom at the same time. My household is definitely not an exception to this.

Some of you may know that I am the mother to two young children. My son, for the most part, is self-sufficient and does not bother me when the Porcelain God comes a calling. Yet my daughter, a rather rambunctious 10-month old, does not understand the meaning of privacy at this point in her life. And even if she did, I would not trust her to be alone for any stretch of time. The mobility and speed she harnesses inside such a tiny human body is astounding. I had impatiently waited months and months for her to start crawling, eager for the opportunity to no longer have to carry an every-growing baby all day long. But now her crawling is sometimes like watching the roadrunner cartoon with Wile E. Coyote. “Beep, Beep” and shes gone. What’s that they say? Be careful what you wish for.

Knowing all this, brings a mom to improvise on the fly when she is limited to a one-foot radius around the toilet for controlling a baby. I did have my bedroom door closed so I knew she couldn’t go far even if she disappeared from my view, but I wanted her to remain close regardless. She has a knack for getting into everything these days. Our house might as well be a deserted island full of unknown treasures just waiting for the baby to find and stick in her mouth regardless of the cleanliness or rather uncleanliness of the item. That being said, I thought it would be an awesome idea to give our sweet baby girl some toilet paper to play with. I mean, honestly, what could possibly go wrong with that?

I finished up my business and the toilet paper distraction worked surprisingly well. My daughter never moved from my sight. She sat on the tile floor and played with the paper happily. She threw it into the air and rolled around on top of it and then she learned to pull it apart… She made a little mess but that’s not a problem. When you have kids there are ALWAYS messes. After washing my hands, I cleaned up the shredded toilet paper and threw it away. No harm. No foul. I even mentioned to my husband later that day that I thought I had found a rather cute idea for a photo session with young children. Several rolls of toilet paper and a baby in a diaper. How cute would that be? I was rather pleased with myself. It would not be until a few days later that I would learn the error of my ways.

My daughter is still working on learning how to eat regular table food and I am always nervous about her choking. You see, she still has no teeth, even at 10-months old. So I’ve been careful to give her food that I think will be easy for her gummy smile to chew. One of the foods that we started out giving her was bread. It’s soft and fluffy and white… It’s great and she loves it! Like I’m going to scream until you give me more bread, loves it.

Now remember that speed I was talking about earlier? That special “Beep Beep” baby setting she has built into her tiny chubby legs? Well it’s coming into play real soon. I had decided to unload the dishwasher while she sat on the floor playing contently with the toys from the playroom. My son came over to me asking for a drink and I walked over to the refrigerator and poured him a cup of juice. After he left, I turned to look at my daughter – only she wasn’t there. Like a magician in a expertly performed vanishing act, she was gone!

Our house is not very large by any means so I walked around the corner just in time to hear the toilet paper roll spinning on its hook in the bathroom at the end of the hall. As I peeked into the bathroom I could see the white paper littering the floor. That was fine. I can clean that up. What wasn’t fine was the fact that my daughter was EATING the SOFT, FLUFFY and WHITE toilet paper! A light bulb went off in my head as the realization occurred to me that my daughter had now associated toilet paper with her beloved snack! Fearful that she may start choking, I pulled her into my lap and tried prying open her impenetrable mouth. She was literally giggling as she kept her mouth clenched shut hoping to preserve her “bread.” I was panicking but then slightly relaxed enough to wait for her to make a chewing motion. At which point gave me just enough time to keep her gums apart and yank the wad of gooey, saliva filled toilet paper from her mouth.

She was angry. She was really angry! A blood-curdling scream escaped her lips as she watched me throw the entire mess in the garbage. If you have babies, then you know that their screams are piercing. I imagine that it’s similar to a hot poker being dragged down your spine. In truth it’s supposedly some kind of sick torture that mother nature developed which is suppose to evoke our maternal instincts as parents to protect our children at all costs. It’s a noise that will literally drive you crazy. So in my despair, I sat my child down in her high chair… and I gave her bread.

Parenting is hard. It’s definitely not for the weak minded. But we can all get a good laugh out of sharing some of our less positive parenting moments. If you’re a parent, what “fun” excitement has your child bestowed upon you recently?

11 views0 comments

Recent Posts

See All